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!UGH! [17 Oct 2005|09:15pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

So they call themselves family huh? They just sit there when you are screaming for fucking help and let your brother "wip your ass" its a brother sister thing huh, but yet IM screaming for help, and then the one person that does help me, they act like they are gonna kick his ass. Yea well, the day is gonna come and they are gonna be crying and begging for my help and so help me God, Im just gonna stare at them and watch with no sympathy as they beg for my help, and then someone is gonna try to help them and Ima act all bad like IMa kick their ass. My own family turned their backs on me. Wel I took my ass wooping when I see that bitch Laura Ima show her a true Crosby ass woopin. Oh no, bo, its on. Im sick of this bull shit. I need a job and my own place. If I have to Ill live on the streets but there is no way Im moven back in with my ma, not after she didnt even help me, fuck that bullshit. Right now Im staying with my prince charming. But unfortunetly if he doesnt get a job soon..yea... I think that if I stay he might have to go, so Im thinking about just running away. No clue where Ill stay, I may just take my sleeping bag and sleep in the back of someones yard. No one would notice me. I just, I dont want him living on the streets, better me than him, thats what I say. I just want outta here. Before I wrote I dont see me spending the rest of my life with him, I must have been insane, he`s the only guy I wanna be with for the rest of my life. I have only felt like this once, but this time I mean it. Hes the one. He makes me feel like Im someone. When he looks at me I get mad krazie buttermonkies. and when he smiles...gosh I feel like I could fly. He makes me so happy.

I havent updated about my grandfather. He passed away Sept. 20... I wish I could have went with him. I havent SIed, but Ive thought about going the whole way, but I dont want to leave, My Prince. I dont ever wanna be without him. I swear hes the man of my dreams. One touch and my fire is lit, not sparked..ok wow.

I miss Grampa like krazie and I think about him everyday.... I tried to race him home, but he beat me. He use to always say, Im going home..he`d sing it, and Id tell him, Ill race you home. And I tried, he didnt even try and he beat me. Im just a loser. A nody, I dont deserve anything. I deserve to be on the streets with no one, half starved half dead. Im such a frikin idiot. I hate myself!

( You dont notice me anyways..)

Mad [27 Aug 2005|11:50pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

What good does getting mad at someone do? Seriusly...all it does is bring you pain..just like everything else. You get mad say things you dont mean..well at the time you might mean it, but then later you regret it so bad. And then you cry...cry cry cry...blah blah...so really what is the point to get mad. What is the point in caring? What the fuck is the point in any damn thing? Obviously I must not be in a good mood right now huh? I have been wanting to SI real bad..but I havent, I think I may have it under control...yea right. Im just not at home right now. Im at the love of my lifes house. I love him more than anything, and theres nothing I wouldnt do for him...got that nothing. Even if it means hurting someone close.

You know its weird..I went out to night and had fun but then again..did not. I get where I just dont want to be around many people...not my cuzins or my brother or anyone..not even Paul, you know somethings wrong then..I mean Paul is my homeie. I just need a vacation....you know "where you go somewhere..and you never come back". [Forest Gump] Thats what I want to do...naw..Id have to visit here every now and then..but see the thing about growing up is you can do what you want..leave when youre ready to, go anywhere. Thats...great. Well Ive updated..peace everyone.

( You dont notice me anyways..)

People [07 Aug 2005|07:41pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

I swear I can not wait to get away rom here. I hate this place...and the people...ugh!!!!! My cuzin busted out satin shit about me bein high, and i wasnt even high. Just becuz he got into a argument with his wie. And my brothers stupid slut better watc her back and her mouth...thats allI gotta say. Ill beat the uck outa her!

( You dont notice me anyways..)

[02 Aug 2005|06:04pm]
you think you know..but you dont.
( You dont notice me anyways..)

HEHEHEHE [02 Aug 2005|02:41pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Guess what I did...I made this riends only...yeap..to many damn nosey people out there reading and not commiting...sorry guys...i you want to be added, you know what to do.

(2 comments| You dont notice me anyways..)

Love [02 Aug 2005|02:28pm]
[ mood | loved ]

I am inlove and I dont care about anything...Im just sick of everyones bitching....screw you all...I`m finllly happy and nobody I mean no fucking body is gonna ruin this for me... I need my own place.

( You dont notice me anyways..)

SOS [10 Jul 2005|04:33pm]
[ mood | high ]

My grampa is real sick and I hate it more than anything. I mean if I loose him, I lose not only a grandather but also a ather. Hes like my daddy..I love him more than my own father and I dont wanna loose him. Ive been kinda down in the dumps lately..just thinkin about papa and everything, and then my boys there to make me happy. I swear I havent been this happy ever, expect for the fact about grampa. I havent Sied lately but to be honest, I have thought about it. But I havent. My ED yea..same o...not eating much and sometimes eating alot. I feel like I eat to much. Well I`ll write more later.

( You dont notice me anyways..)

Undate [25 Jun 2005|07:20pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Lately I`ve been so tired..just so messed up..But also happy. I have a boyfriend now..and I completely love him more than anything in the world...Im so confused right now about everything...its been a while since Ive SIed..thats a good thing.. and my ED isnt so bad I dont think..well thats it for now..peace.

( You dont notice me anyways..)

been awhile [23 May 2005|07:35pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Well a few weeks ago..I ODed..it was horrible..now I feel like Im not trusted...well What am I suppose to exspect...I dont know.

I was talkin to my couisin a lil while ago..she said sometimes she feels like she has no one, and that she use to think "what if I swerve into the other lane...would anyone care if I got hurt?" She says she doesnt feel like that anymore..but me..i do feel like that. I wanted to tell her that sometimes i think while riding down the road, why dont I just open the door and jump out. Im not exactly sucidal..accually Im not..sure sometime I just want to die, I want out...but..I think the thing is...I just get lonely.
And i think its my fault i get lonely..I push people away, I keep things to myself, Im scared of how others are going to react... I have a awesome boyfriend, I love him to death...I may not be inlove with him...but I do love him...I kinda feel bad about this, but I really cant see myself spending my whole life with him...I love him [no I havent told him I love him or that i dont see myself spending my whole life with him] dont get me wrong, i do love him...so much, but hes just..I cant explain. Well..enough of my nonesence for now...peace out.

( You dont notice me anyways..)

none [29 Mar 2005|12:51am]
[ mood | crappy ]

I lost **lbs...yea...**...Im so proud..but then again, I gained *lbs back...made me mad..hate Easter...I need to lose more...Im just not skinny... I feel like crap. my tummy hurts, my throat hurts...I just want to go to sleep

( You dont notice me anyways..)

Quotes.. [12 Mar 2005|01:25am]
[ mood | crazy ]

I hate my boobs..I realy do, sometimes I wish I could get brest cancer so that I could lose them. I know thats bad..but..its true. !UGH! Im so fat too...I hate it..Im scared Im gonna get stretch marks..I hate the thought of those things...Im terrible..Im a terrible person...

Here are some quotes that I kinda like...:

*Everyday I wake up to another day gone by. Nothing but the open road and the never-ending why. Anything can happen, yeah, but nothing ever does.

*I'm trying to smile, I'm doing my best to make it seem worth while I'm really holding my true self back and letting the world win. Noboyd knows all the hours I've spent crying I'm through feeling like I don't matter at all and seeing nothing good while staring at the wall.

*I am your daughter hiding my depression. I am your little sis making a good impression. I am you friend acting like I'm fine. I am a teenage pushing her tears aside. I am the girl sitting next to you. I am the one asking you to care. I am your best friend hoping you'll be there.

*She smiles with all that she has left yet tears are left undried and though she's got so much to say she bottles it up inside. If you look past her broken eyes to a shadow no one sees a disguise so you won't recongnize the girl is really me.

*You know that girl who is always lost. The one with the pretty smile no one can tell is fake? That girl who seems to be so strong, but daily continues to break? The girl who is always there, and seems to have no problems of her own? The one who holds back all the tears, until you are off the phone? That girl who if you reach out, always pulls back her hand? Well what a lonely life, what a sad girl she must be. Maybe you didn't realize it, but that girl is me.

*You may think its great to be me but you only think what you see. A girl happy smiling but one smile can hide a thousand tears. No one knows whats really going on and never will. The fears and pain inside me is burning and killing me. I'm dying inside right now and no one will ever know.

*Do you think it's easy being me? Do you think it's easy putting on the act that I do every day? I smile when all I want to do is cry. I laugh when all I want to do is die. I want to tell everyone how my world falls apart each night when I am laying in my bed with tears in my eyes pleading with God to help me. I want to let everybody know what it's like to be me, pretending to be happy pretending to like myself. If it was up to me, I wouldn't have to be pretending, I would actually be happy. Too bad it's not.

*She is lonely even though you can't tell. She is reaching out, for what, she doesn't know. She will continue to sit in silence and hope that someone may stumble across. her and all of her emptiness but they only hope that they do it in time. Otherwise she will have drifted too far and she may let go of whatever grasp of the world she has. As she slowly fades out of the lives of everyone nearly unnoticed.

*You look at me and see the girl who lives inside the golden world but don't believe thats all there is to see. You'll never know the real me. She smiles through a thousand tears and harbors adolescent fear, she dereams of all that she can never be, she wades in insercurity, and hides herself inside of me. Don't say she takes it all for granted, I'm well ware of all I have. Don't think that I'm disenchanted, please understand. It seems as though I've always been somebody outside look in. They'll never know the real me.

*Sometimes I think this shit is pointless. Why am I wasting time making people happy who don't really give a shit about me? Sometimes I wonder, if you know me or if you just pretend to care, tell me, are you on a mission to bring me down? What happend to the day when I didn't have to pretend to smile?

*I wish i could go back to that one night when everything was figured out and everything seemed perfect and the future seemed like nothing could go wrong, but the future is now the past and the memories are all thats left and it sucks beyond imagination

Have a nice one, everybody.

( You dont notice me anyways..)

Hmmm.. [26 Feb 2005|12:14am]
[ mood | devious ]

Well..so far Ive been trying to quit my bad stuff..I heard it was a good idea...so I havent drank or smoked in a while...but it is so hard not to cuss..its harder then i thought...my ED isnt so good..still fat...but yea..and I`ve SIed...its kinda cool looking because it says something. Im sick of a lot of people...its time ot be mran. Well this is the best update I can come up with for now..

( You dont notice me anyways..)

No Subject. [02 Feb 2005|04:24pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I`ve lost *lbs...I need to loose more though! I have to! Its a must. Im so fat! I just wish I could be skinny. I wish I could be happy...I wish life wasn`t so aggravating! I wish I could read minds......

( You dont notice me anyways..)

NO! [31 Jan 2005|09:59am]
[ mood | nauseated ]

I wont eat! I wont! Ill listen to the growling of my stomache..Ill take the jokes and the rude comments form others, Ill be rude back. I just have to loose weight...maybe then Ill be happy.

Maybe not..Im so ugly..I hate everythign about me...sometimes..sometimes I wish I would just die.

( You dont notice me anyways..)

Silence [30 Jan 2005|08:59pm]
[ mood | numb ]

I feel so numb..I cant loose weight..I try not ot eat..but its just hard..but I will succeed. I weigh 1**...thats to much..I wish I atleast weighed 1** or 9*...or anything smaller than I do now...Ive wanted to SI real bad..but I haven`t..I want to run so bad..Im scared and people might be right beside me..but Im still lonely..I feel out of place.

( You dont notice me anyways..)

these are some poems I found and liked...no credit from me. [28 Jan 2005|10:19am]
[ mood | lonely ]

by Stefani Baucom
I am alone,
so very alone

I hurt,
so very bad

I am ignored,
just thrown aside

I am security,
for others to have

I am lonely,
there is no one close,
no one sees the pain

I cry,
hope is gone

I am alone,
and no one knows

She Won't Cry
by Jppoet
You see the pain that lies in her eyes,
But, alas, her eyes are dry,
She won't cry.
No, she won't cry.

You see the anger that burns from her gaze,
The madness that sets her eyes ablaze,
She won't cry.
No, she won't cry.

You see the fear that closes her eyes,
The smile she wears is but a disguise,
She won't cry.
No, she won't cry.

You see the hope that is finally dead,
She cannot trust for her heart has been bled,
She won't cry.
No, she won't cry.

You see the love that lies within,
But she shall never love again,
She won't cry.
No, she won't cry.

You see death's hand that has glazed her eyes,
No one saw her die inside,
They won't cry.
No, they won't cry.

You'll Never Know
by Sonja
You'll never know
How much I loved you,
How much I cared.

You'll never know
About my pain,
About my broken heart.

You'll never know
How much I cried,
Just lying on my bed
And thinking of you . . .
kissing her.

Nearly Unnoticed
by Reese
She is lonely
Even though you can't tell
She is reaching out
For what, she doesn't know
She will continue to sit in silence
And hope that someone may stumble across
Her and all of her emptiness
But they only hope that they do it in time
Otherwise she will have drifted too far
And she may let go
Of whatever grasp of the world she has
As she slowly fades out of the lives of everyone
Nearly unnoticed.

(1 comment| You dont notice me anyways..)

weird [28 Jan 2005|09:38am]
[ mood | lonely ]

I feel sick..and Im so lonely... I haven`t ate much lately, but yesterday I pigged out and I was so close to purging but I didnt.... I feel as though I should have..

But when I think of doing that I thik of last summer how when I did it with Spagettio`s...ugh..not a pretty picture...so I cant purge..its either not eat..or Idk..but I dont see how it matters because if I eat or not because I dont seem to be lossing my weight...I might be going on this diet with someone...lol...Idk..will have to see.

I feel as though I dont have anyone...Im so alone...

( You dont notice me anyways..)

New [21 Jan 2005|10:35am]
[ mood | weird ]

Well, this is my new Journal. Yes ofcourse I am keeping the other one, because this one is my vent journal..this is my journal.

To start things off Id just like to say..at this moment I do not know where my life is leading..I dont know anything.. I dont understand how I feel, or what Im thinking...I just feel fat and ugly...and I am trying to understand. But Im begining to not care about anything anymore...

(1 comment| You dont notice me anyways..)

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